Sakura's Secret
by Kairi Uzeniba
Summary: Just what does Sakura do instead of train? SAKURA HATERS ONLY. Rated T for chapter 4 and up. Please, if you're a Sakura lover, just pass this story by, don't flame it. It's entirely crackfic anyway. R&R if you're a Sakura hater.
1. Sasuke Finds Out

Chapter 1

Sasuke Finds Out

Sakura walked into her house. _ I've been holding it in all day…_ Sakura farted so loudly that you could smell it outside. She let out a sigh of relief. She walked over to the TV and put in a Dora the Explorer tape. She watched 2 hours of that, then 2 hours of Strawberry Shortcake. (Yes, this is what she does instead of training, she's totally mental.) Then she grabbed a tube of toothpaste and squeezed it everywhere. 10 tubes followed this one. Then she ate 12 apricots, then 12 tangerines. Of course, she had diarrhea. (GGRROOSS!) She grabbed a tape recorder.

"Hi, I'm Haruno Sakura, and this is my daily public journal. Today, when I got home, I farted really loudly, watched Dora the Explorer and Strawberry Shortcake, squeezed toothpaste everywhere, ate a bunch of fruit, and had diarrhea. Today is my 126th public journal and Idiotic stupidity radio channel. Thanks for listening." Then she mailed it to the radio station (which is a walking distance away, but she's too lazy) where it would be broadcasted later that day. Then she walked into a door for an hour. She walked into the kitchen. She opened up the fridge and grabbed a bottle of hot sauce. She chugged it. When the spiciness kicked in she screamed and ran around in circles for an hour. When she started watching Dora the Explorer again because she loved it so much. She had a giant bucket of BBQ chicken wings and there was sauce all over her mouth. She was sitting in a only a bra and panties. Unfortunately for Sakura, Sasuke kicked down the door.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID- what are you doing?"


	2. What Does Sakura Do?

**Chapter 2 **

**What Does Sakura Do? **

"Umm…Sakura? You haven't said anything for 2 hours."

"Well Sasuke-kun, I was….um….really, really busy disguising myself as a…lazy, good for nothing, bum. The enemy will never expect it."

"Well, who's the enemy?"

"Uuuuh…Naruto….and, Lee….and, um…Itachi…..and Deidara disuised as a plant……and 500 kangaroos….yeah! And 20 living carrots, and Sasori as an undead potato, and 63 living shoes, and-"

"O.k., o.k. just wipe off your mouth, o.k.?"

"Um, of course, Sasuke-kun, just, go away, now!"

"O.k…..just….um…whatever." Sasuke slowly backed away. And then he made a break for it. Sakura shut the door behind him and then went to the bathroom and wiped off her mouth. Suddenly, Naruto, Lee, and Deidara dressed up as a plant.

"What are you doing here!"

"We're the enemy!" Naruto yelled.

"But, I was joking-"

"Tuts, these plant costumes don't lie." Deidara said, stroking the fabric of the tree costume he was wearing. Suddenly, 500 kangaroos, 20 living carrots, Sasori the undead potato, and 63 living shoes crashed through the other wall.

"See? I told you this wasn't the way!" 1 of the living carrots said.

"But, it's just what he said! He said 5 lefts, 26 rights, 32 pig tossing institutes, 33 cow tossing institutes, 1 giant ham sandwich, and a couch made of peanut butter! And that's where I went!"

"No, no, no! It was couch made of peanut _brittle, _not butter! Rrr, we knew it was a mistake to travel with living carrots!" Admiral Dandruff the kangaroo said.

"Now, now, at least we found the Haruno, we have to make use of what we've got. " Prime Minister Baabaablacksheep the kangaroo.

"Let's eat her!" General Poopeater the kangaroo said while his eyes got swirly. "She's already got BBQ sauce on her."

"No! We have to make her eat a barrel of sand, don't you remember the plan!" 1 of the living carrots said.

"No need, I did that when I was 5." Sakura said proudly.

"See! I told you she was stupid enough. I'm dead, why don't you listen to me!" Sasori said, extremely annoyed.

"Well, goobye, young idiot!" all 630 living shoes said in unison. Then they left.

Sakura went to bed, still messy with BBQ sauce.

Yay! Now it's more random! At least this has a plot. Hope you like it! Oh, and if you read it, REVIEW IT! I don't care if you can't think of what to say, just say, "I like it." I don't care! JUST REVIEW!


	3. Sakura's Good Time Rat Soup

Chapter 3

Departing Actually Affects Shadow This Time

Shadow and Luna had reached the coast.

"Had a good ride, Shadow?"

"Just dandy. Except for the fact I almost got eaten by an octopus, was crashed into a boat by an insane hedgehog, and am probably gonna be blamed for this wreck of a boat on the coast."

"Nah, if you escape in time the cops won't get you. And octopuses don't eat people anyway, do they?"

"'Maybe. I wouldn't know.'"

"Shut up. Well, I gotta split, I'm not gonna get blamed for this either even if it was my fault. See ya, Shadow!" She ran across the beach. Shadow felt weird. _Really _weird. Something made his stomach churn about Luna leaving. He thought it was relief. But it was something else.

"Tails, is the Tornado ready yet? You said it would be ready by today." Sonic asked impatiently.

"Be patient, that crash at the test flight while apparently testing the affects of pea soup in the engine was a disaster. And I'm only 8, cut me some slack, here!" Tails replied.

"I said I was sorry about that!" Amy said as if she was innocent.

"Amy, go away!" Sonic said, annoyed. "You're no help at all. Go bug Knuckles, he might give you a necklace or something."

"No, he said he was going somewhere with his treasure hunting partner."

"Treasure hunting partner?" Sonic asked, confused.

"Sonic, it's ready! All the pea soup is out of the engine! So can you tell me what you want to do with it now?"

"Um, hehe, I only wanted to polish it now." There was a pause.

"Sonic, you can't take advantage of me like that! Building and fixing ships isn't easy, you know!" Tails stormed out of the room.

"Tails! Tails! Rrg, I'll polish it tomorrow, Amy, don't eat in the cockpit anymore, o.k.?"

"Fine, but I said I was sorry!"

Later that night…

Someone slipped through the hole she made in the wall.

"I wonder why there's no alarm…" the person said out loud. They stared at the airplane before them. "Looks like I hit the jackpot." They read the side. "Hmm…the Tornado…nice name…I think I'll own it."

Knuckles was deep into the Earth. He was fairly close to a small opal

mine. Before he began mining, he went back above the surface to alert his digging partner. (

"Rouge! I think I found on opal mine!"

"Good! I'll help you!" Pretty soon they were digging pounds of opal. Later on they put them in big brown bags and headed off to the camp sight.

Later…

Knuckles never slept that well at the mining camp. He and Rouge were supposed to take turns keeping watch, but Rouge wouldn't wake up. But, loving Rouge, he decided to take her watch, his watch again, and _then _try to wake her up. He'd already been up 6 hours. He was already exhausted. Soon he was in between sleeping and not, and then drifted into a deep sleep. He grabbed Rouge in his sleep. Unfortunately, an uninvited guest came and stole _all 4 bags of opal. _It is not common to have that much opal. Ever.

"Aww, so cute. Too bad their opal is to be sold for money, otherwise I'd leave a wedding gift. Bit why should they get romance when _I _can't get romance? I suddenly am not happy."

Sorry for the long update, you can probably guess who the thief is, pretty obvious. Who would really need money right now? Come on! Check out my KnucklesxRouge fic when it comes out, if you're a KnucklesxRouge fan.


	4. Sakura's Dijuritu

Konichiwa, minna! Time for more Sakura bashing! Enjoy!

Chapter 4

Sakura's Dijuritu

Sakura plays the dijuritu, a large horn-like instrument. (Like in that one episode of Spongebob.) It can make a nice sound when played correctly. The only problem: Sakura is the worst dijuritu player ever to walk the earth. But Sakura is dumb enough to think what she plays on the dijuritu is actually considered music. So she decided to practice.

"Let's see, I'll serenade Konoha and play Skip to my Lou." She took a breath. What she played sounded like 600 sick cats getting thrown against a wall that barfs whenever it gets touched. It was so horrible it made the zombies that had just risen screeched and went back to their graves.

"Ah, my ears feel nice," she said as all the earwax inside ran away to Hong Kong.

"Oh, dijuritu, I know I love Sasuke, but if he rejects me, which he might cuz I wanna get really fat when I'm older, I'll marry you!" Sakura said as she stroked the dijuritu.

"I know! I'll have an affair! That way it can seem like I'm on TV! I love you, dijuritu!" She got her mouth close to the side of the dijuritu. And licked it. Then she wrapped her legs around it. Someone knocked on the door. Sakura acted like she does in the anime/manga. And then opened the door. Naruto.

"Konichiwa, Sakura-chan! I heard this ugly, horrible sound, and it sounded like it was coming from here. But it couldn't have, could it?"

"Yeah it was. That was my dijuritu." There was a pause.

"O.k., now I _know _I like Hinata better than you." Naruto walked away. Sakura shut the door and began licking the dijuritu again.

For this chapter the rating went up to T. PLEASE review! Anonymous reviews are accepted!


	5. Sakura's 20th Cousin Paco!

**A/N: Flames are sickening. I read a profile where some said "I love flames. You can make chocolate-covered fruit with flames." Da hell?? Seriously, Sakura-lovers who hate this fic(thank you to the sakura-lover who likes this fic for not hating this fic) just leave me alone. Let's get started. Read, Review, and Enjoy!**

**Chapter 5**

**Sakura's 20th Cousin Paco!**

Sakura was sitting watching TV. She was watching a cheesy soap-opera. Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. She made herself look normal and answered the door. It was her 20th cousin Paco!

"Hey, Paco! I know we're so distantly related that we could get married if we wanted to, but you've always been like a brother to me. Come in!"

Paco was a Mexican boy wearing traditional Mexican clothes.

**NOTICE: If anyone is thinking this, NO I'M NOT BEING RACIST! Mexican have equal rights. All racists should burn in hell. Paco is Mexican just to show that he's VERY distantly related from Sakura. And I've always wanted to name someone Paco. It reminds me of a taco. Get it? Good. Proceed!**

Paco stepped into the house. "I like your house." Sakura quickly shut the door.

"CHEESE WIZ TIME!!!" Paco shouted. He pulled 20 things of cheese wiz from his suitcase and threw 10 of them to Sakura. They had a cheese wiz fight! Cheese was everywhere! After about 10 minutes they stopped.

"What now?" Sakura asked, eating the cheese wiz off the floor which she'd never cleaned or vacuumed.

"Let's watch some TV!" Paco said happily. So without cleaning up any of the cheese, they sat down on the cheesy couch. Paco change the channel to a channel that had lots of static.

"HOORAY!" they both shouted.

And for the next hour, Sakura and Paco watched nothing but static. Occasionally one of them would gasp or say "Is he really gonna do that?"

Finally, the channel began to come in clearly.

"Aw!" Sakura groaned. "It's over!"

"Let's do something else!" Paco suggested. "Like dressing up as someone else and annoying random passerby!"

A FEW MINUTES LATER…

Neji was walking down the streets of Konoha. Suddenly, 2 strange people, a man and a woman jumped in front of them. The man looked a lot like Sakura with a fake mustache on and the other on looked like Paco with a blonde wig an lipstick.

"Hey there, crazy! Would you like some psychiatry?" the man yelled.

Neji hesitated before responding. "Who are you to say I need it?"

"Oh, we can tell if someone's crazy or not just by looking at them." the woman yelled obnoxiously in his face. "And you looked especially crazy!"

Neji frowned. "Leave me alone."

"No way!" the man yelled. "We need to get you to a mental home right away!"

"Are you sure you're not Sakura Haruno in disguise trying to annoy the hell out of me?" Neji said bluntly.

Suddenly, Sakura and Paco walked out of an alleyway.

"Damnit! Now he knows we're going to annoy him! C'mon Paco, let's find someone else to annoy." Sakura said.

Neji looked strangely at the 2 people in front of him. "Then who are you?"

The man held out a business card. It read…

* * *

CRAZY-HUNTERS of KONHAGAKURE  
Detectors of the criminally insane etc.  
"_CHK is the easiest way to catch loonies!" _– Tsunade, hokage

* * *

Neji looked at the card and frowned.

"Oh come on! I'm not that crazy! Since that part of the chunin exams I haven't been that crazy!" Neji yelled.

WITH SAKURA AND PACO…

"Man, it's getting late," Paco said, looking at his watch. 6:30 p.m.

"Yeah, we better get to bed!" Sakura agreed.

So they went to Sakura's house and went to bed.

But what would happen the next morning?

**A/N: Short, yes, but I want to know what they should do. Review, but DO NOT FLAME. I'm sick of flames! I get it! There are people who adore Sakura, but obviously I'M NOT ONE OF THEM. Anyway, review, but don't flame. I need ideas for Paco Part 2!**


End file.
